Memories

Staring blank at the screen
Emotions as white as I see
Deeper I plunge into the abyss
Of the memories
A disquieting charade
Placid soul I hate to disturb
For ripples of anguish may be unearthed
Ploughed into the deep soil of my soul
Are seeds hidden which I would not allow to germinate
Intangible as is the soul…… so are the memories

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Waiting

He frantically paced up and down from the hall to the bedroom clutching his chest. He had just come home from the market. He was sweating and in obvious pain but in denial. He hated the doctors and hospitals because of the money they fleece. He kept pacifying himself and her that it was indigestion. She was nervous. She was all of sixteen and the maturity level at that tender age is not anything to boast about. She went to the neighbour’s house to make a call to the doctor on the big black phone which is now extinct. The doctor told her to bring him to the nursing home immediately. The neighbour uncle was kind enough to get an auto from the street corner. She accompanied him and made him sit next to her in the auto as they proceeded towards the nursing home. It seemed ages to reach there though it was only fifteen minutes away.

As they reached, she stepped out to get a stretcher and as she kept her foot down she saw him collapse and fall sideways and his head hit the seat of the three wheeler. A part of her died….. She hurried fast into the reception area asking for a stretcher. There was no one to help her as she shouted and yelled in disgust. Finally she rushed into the corridor and found a stretcher pushed against the wall. She wheeled it out with urgency near the entrance and somehow managed to put him on it with the help of her neighbour uncle.
The emergency doctor came rushing out and placed a stethoscope on his chest right outside on the portico of the hospital and declared that it was a massive heart attack and there was little they could do and it was all going to be over. Another part of her died.
She begged the doctor to try something and to save him from plunging. The doctor wheeled him into the emergency room. The room was filled with photos of life size Gods. She prayed frantically to all of them, bearing not to leave sight of even one of them. She stood at the corner and watched the dull lifeless body of Her Father on the stretcher. The doctor and nurses were hurrying and scurrying about to get the defibrillator into action.
On the count of one two three… They placed the defibrillator on his chest. Her father flew up some inches from the stretcher and came down with a thud. She shuddered. They repeated this a couple of times. She stood there all alone watching as if she was floating in a dream. As her eyes filled with tears, her whole life with him whizzed past.
They managed to bring him back into this mad world. A part of her came alive. He was shifted to the ICU. She went home to collect some of her belongings and money and returned to the hospital. That afternoon sunk into a melancholic evening with grief spread all around.
Evening faded into the night, as she stayed out in the corridor by spreading a mat on the floor. She was tired and drained yet she evaded sleep since it was a crucial night. The doctors had said that it will take 24 hours for him to come out of the danger that he had sunk into.
Through the night he kept shouting from the ICU. Not a second did he stop as he must have been feeling helpless and lonely. To this day, when she opens the memory book onto that chapter the sound of his voice echoes in her mind space.
Dawn tore through the darkness of the night and brought a new day. She didn’t realise when she had dozed off. The routine morning sounds of the hospital woke her up. Did she have an awful dream and she hoped against hope that it was only a dream. But reality hit her hard when she found herself waking up in the corridor of the hospital outside the ICU.
As a short statured and frail man her father was a human of few words and a strict disciplinarian. She was scared of him right from childhood. She has few memories of playing badminton with him and fewer memories of him smiling, laughing, hugging or showering love and warmth. Having said that he had a heart brimming with love but chose not to reveal. His way of loving his only daughter was unique and strange. He took her around the town to shops, bakeries where she would eye at the colourful and delicious pastries and cakes. The smell of fresh baked bread evokes strong memories of him even today. He helped her a lot with her studies. He had daily portion of math exercises written for her to solve which she dreaded, though it was only due to his dedication that she passed in flying colours in her board exams.
Years passed through and she grew up to be a teenager. During this tender age since there was no right guidance and love at home, she sort of drifted away from her father. She became a rebel. It hurt her father deeply and saddened him. Although he did not explicitly show it they both were pushed to the boundaries, space grew wider between them, they became so far apart that they could not hear each other.
And so it happened. After 13 days of fighting and persistence in the ICU her Father, her Dad let go to be dvelved deep into the slumber of death. He looked so small as he was sinking. She has to yet overcome the gravity of that day… Now after 30 years she sits back at times and wonders if ever did such a person walk on this planet about half a century ago. It seems like a story read somewhere or a movie seen long ago. It is hard to believe that she had a father who was her guiding light in his own queer way. She is sad that she could not bridge the boundaries that she had drawn between him and her. She doesn’t know how or when she will be able to do that…..
Just waiting….

Love

Mindless faces, faceless minds
How many we come across in our life
Mindful faces stand apart
Forceful and strong
I glanced upon you
At the helm of my youth
Your face grasped me
Your vibes engulfed me
Not a word to whisper
Not a breath to sigh
Just a flutter of the eye
I captured you in my smile
And could see your heart for a while
Brimming with love for me
You were a stranger yet destined to be
The Monarch of my life
Days, months, years have passed
Reminiscing that transient sunrise
Immanent in our lives now
In gratitude to my fate and yours
To the sun and stars above
Which brought us together
For which I am indebted forever…..😍🍁

SKY

 

 

I look upon the tiny specks of humans
For ever swamped, not a moment still
Millions  all around the earth like hill
Hold, for a fraction look at anything
Look on intensely so that you can hear in your breathing
The air, the grass, the leaves, the stones
Or thoughts of your own
Give, the moment a breath that is transcending
And see it pulsating
Give it your life and watch the miracle
And bestow all that is yours on that spectacle
Look up to me in the dark and see that tiny speck
Shining and twinkling on me
You may find your lost loved one
Feel the love, the power, the magic to be free
Of being one with the earth and me

YOU

Gray Asphalt Road in Between Brown Orange Leaf Trees during Daytime

Never mind the stars

I just need a smile

Never mind the moon

I just need a Hug

Never mind the world

I just need YOU

On the road to eternity

Let OUR love be above the pleasures of the world

Tranquility boundless

Take me as I am

with all my deviation

from Perfection

Joy Infinite

I share with you

No lamentation

I am made for you

I surrender to annihilation

If you let go of me

Not the stars, the moon nor the world

I am in Veneration

Of YOU

 

 

Empty Nest

 

Woman Carrying Baby at Beach during Sunset

Our Children are not ours

Once they grow

I am happy that you have  grown

But sad that you are not a child anymore

I am happy that you have an opinion

But sad that you do not need advice

I am happy you are independent

But sad that home confines you

I am happy that you can handle life

But sad that I am not a major part of it

I am happy to see you laugh

But sad when life treats you badly

Do not regret anything that you do or say

‘Cos life happens only once and

I am Happy that you were once a life 

throbbing inside me

Life will take you on its roller-coaster 

Be prepared for every ride

And for every ride you will get

Happiness, sorrow, experience, success, failure…..

because that is the price you pay!!!  🙂

 

 

No Love Lost…

The heart squeezes grief into tears

No one or nothing to hold on as dear

No love lost or gained

In this unreal world all is in Vain

Oh! God of death you are waited in Despair

To embrace the mocking body

Search the soul and pull it out Fair

Ease the pain and free the troubles

Send it to fly high

Into the sky of Vastness and Space

Let not a word nor a Sigh

Be heard when you stare at the face

Come and take me into your icy hands

For there is no love lost nor love gained

In this unreal world all is in Vain